The only recipe you’ll ever need.

Dear Sir/Adam,

it came to my knowledge that you were in need of special information concerning the creation of what is known as cake icing with the help of the tears of lemons.

To achieve this noble quest Thou shalt do the following, in this precise order. Any and all disturbance during the process will result in unforeseeable consequences that might quite possibly destroy the earth. Don’t be fooled by your eyes and senses, use precise measuring equipment and you shall succeed.

To begin you face the most difficult challenge. Acquire powdered sugar, a metric fuckton shall suffice. Be sure to get your hands on powdered sugar and not on powered sugar. The latter holds the risk of electrocution when whisked with a metal spoon. One shall always use a wooden spoon with powered sugar.

Put several large amounts of powdered sugar into a container that is suitable for this purpose. It is meant to be large enough to contain all of the powdered sugar and small enough that it is possible to stir the sugar without just pushing it around like a pile of sand in a warehouse.

You can give yourself a rewarding pat on the back if you are now at the stage of standing in front of a container containing an amount of powdered sugar. We’re almost there.

Now search for the oranges that are yellow and are called lemons. If they are green, they are limes and not made by the Almighty Shiva for this precise purpose of icing cakes in combination with powdered sugar. Acquire said lemon and cut it open with a sharp object. You might want to just hit it with any blunt steel object to get to its delicious core, but scientific men have proven over the last decades that the use of a bladed tool is key here. When the lemon lies in front of you, showing you its precious interior, you have succeeded.

Remove the juice from the lemon by applying pressure to both sides of it. Make sure that the tears you press out are collected in jar or bowl or well sealed trunk of a car. Do so for as long as you like or until you find the amount good.

The next step will sound like sorcery to most, but evidence has proven it to be nothing more than a simple magic trick that can be purchased from most wizard shops or learned from this very description. Take a spoon, wooden for powered sugar, metal for powdered sugar, and spoon about one spoonful of extracted lemon essence into the mountain of sugar. By following concentric circles start stirring the lemon tears until a paste as smooth a baby’s skin after a good beating is formed. Adjust the amount of added lemon tears to get a paste as runny or sticky as you wish.

You may now apply the paste or icing, as the knowledgeable call it, to any baked good of your liking. Remember to let it lose its moisture before engulfing it with your cakehole. Some say that they heard of others that saw once someone who directly and discreetly absorbed the icing through his facial openings without applying it to any baked cake. It is not advisable to do so as the moisture in the icing will create painful holes in your small and large intestine that cause the icing to leak out and be free. One must never set the icing free.

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